How The #MeToo Movement Gave Me Justice Without Having to Come Forward
About 99.8% of sexual harassment incidences that occur at work go unreported according to research published in 2018 by BusinessInsider.com.
I am a part of that group.
That is quite an eye-opening statistic considering we are currently in the age of full disclosure and virality, which not only have worked in providing platforms for the voiceless, the unheard, and the vulnerable; but have also widely disseminated information which has been immensely helpful for people who have been unable to understand how to process a past trauma, or are in need of a reckoning for causing one.
The #MeToo Movement has been that collective space for these long overdue difficult discussions surrounding our nation’s culture of sexual violence, harassment, and abuse. And the ability of knowing that you are not alone in your experience is the very reason why people can bravely say “MeToo”.
There was this CEO.
Before I knew that this CEO was under investigation for sexual misconduct; and before I found out about the multiple women in the office he was having affairs with (he was married with children); and before I found out about a lawsuit years earlier by 8 women accusing him of sexual harassment in a prior workplace that they were ultimately forced into dropping; I had an encounter with this leader that every now and then still haunts me to this day. You see, the #MeToo Movement was made for the 99.8% of people like me who never came forward. And if I am being fully honest with myself, probably never will if such an encounter like that should happen again.
This is a shocking statement for those who know me personally. Many have called me the ‘Joan of Arc’ of the office. I have no qualms with speaking up about an injustice in the workplace. I once challenged management on wage disparities in the office and was happily prepared to get fired over it (they didn’t, but I was ready for it). On another job, I challenged management on not offering all of the women in the office, both full-time and contract workers, maternity leave so that they could still have an income and care for a newborn. I have an advanced degree in the study of human rights, and I have had the awesome privilege of working with and being surrounded by some of the most notable civil rights legends. So needless to say, I am someone who is trained in fighting for equity and justice. But for reasons only a trained psychologist can probably decode, I just didn’t have the energy for this fight. I needed justice another way.
I believe that justice looks different to different people. Simply removing the CEO from their position of authority, didn’t feel like enough of the type of justice I needed to feel safe again in a workplace. I believe in justice that is wider-scale and looks more restorative, and not just punitive. What I desired then and still do today, is the normalization of environments where people can feel safe and free from an unequal power dynamic that provides a safe space for workplace harassment and violence. And the #MeToo Movement gave me that.
As a small disclaimer: I am changing certain details to protect both the CEO (I know he doesn’t deserve it) and the company (who also doesn’t deserve it since they created a culture of harassment and violence).
I was on the job only a week before the first incident occurred. The CEO seemed to “notice my great work.” The thing that was interesting to me about his compliment was that I wasn’t working in a management or leadership position for him to notice anything. I didn’t directly report to the CEO and in fact, I was a long way down on the totem pole. And yes, with a couple of degrees behind my name and the specialized training that I had received prior to beginning the role, that did situate me to be successful in the position. However, not after a week. And certainly not at a level where he would notice.
In the beginning, there was nothing that stood out to me as being inappropriate in his actions. My cubicle was in close proximity to his office, so it wasn’t out of the ordinary to pass each other in the hallway or breakroom. Whenever he encountered me, he would say a friendly “Hello!” and I would respond with a respectful “Hello, Sir!” I never thought anything of it or that it was anything more than a kind leader acknowledging all of his subordinates no matter their ranking, to make everyone feel welcomed and valued at work.
At that time in the office, there were strict rules surrounding hierarchy where subordinates were only allowed to converse with the managers they directly reported to. So how that played out was that if there was ever an issue, you would report it to your manager. Assignments were handed down from and returned to the direct manager. You were forbidden from going outside of the chain-of-commands and bringing an issue to someone higher than your manager, such as the VP or CEO. If the VP or CEO requested something of you, you were told to report it to your direct manager who would then communicate with the VP and CEO. And for the most part, the executive staff did not converse on that level with subordinates outside of their direct managers.
None of that seemed out of the ordinary to me. Most offices I had worked in had some sort of policy or practice surrounding the chain-of-commands and fraternization. Therefore, in strictly abiding by this rule, anytime I would encounter the CEO I would keep it to a short “Hello, Sir!” and continue in my work. So right off the bat when he was attempting to engage me in longer “water-cooler chats”, he was knowingly putting me in a situation where he and I both were violating a rule that he made in the office.
They say hindsight is always 20/20, and that is very true in this case. I certainly missed all of the conditioning signs, but after only one week on the job I didn’t have a lot of information to really go on. So I never at that time interpreted any interaction as being anything more than harmless and coincidental.
When I was hired, I hit the ground running as I was replacing a large role that someone had recently left for a promotion. Which meant that even in my first week, I began working late to learn the scope of my position and get things set up on my end so that I could be successful in performing the role. I noticed the CEO also frequently worked late, and that did not seem weird to me as I reckoned that someone who is the head of a company has greater responsibility and thus, needs to often work late. However, on the nights that I did end up working late, he would stop by my cubicle to chit-chat. Asking me questions about my educational background, how I liked the company so far, where I grew up, etc. Harmless getting-to-know you questions that I didn’t think were out of the ordinary or disrespectful. The only thing that I worried about at the time, was that a manager might see me in conversation with the CEO and misinterpret the interaction as me disregarding the policy on fraternization.
Then one day, something changed.
I was in the breakroom grabbing some coffee and chatting with a fellow colleague about my commute to work. The CEO walked in and joined the conversation. He then turns to me and asks, “Now, what area do you live in?” I stated the area. He responded with, “Well, maybe I will find myself in that area one day.” Now, at this point since the statement was made in the presence of another colleague (who looked ever so, slightly bewildered by his response) I didn’t think too much of it as I thought he was merely remarking that he wanted to visit the area since I had described my love of living next to the shops and restaurants with great enthusiasm.
Later that day though, he made sure that I understood his statement.
As I was leaving the office, I ran into him waiting at the elevators. As we were waiting silently, he turns to me and clarified that he hoped that he could see me soon, and to let him know a day that I was free so that he can come to the area and visit me. I was caught fully off guard. Although my stare was a mix of horror and perplexity, all I could muster up was “uhhhhh, um okay, Sir.” We silently rode the elevator down to the first floor in what felt like the longest ride I had ever taken in an elevator. I beelined it out as soon as I heard the elevator ding, explaining that I needed to catch the train.
I was shocked. Especially at the presumptuousness of the proposition since I knew that the CEO was married with children. I did what most women do in these situations when they are trying to make sense of an uncomfortable interaction:
“Did he just say that?”
“Did that really just happen?”
“Nah, maybe I am overreacting.”
I went through all of the strange internal dialogue and luckily for me, I had a long enough commute to fully torment my mind the entire trip before finally making it home. I remember the sting of the shock, but by the time I had finished dinner, I fully convinced myself that this was just a minor slip from an imperfect person who was probably going through some things, and I could for the sake of peace in the office and maintenance of my job- just ignore it. All I had to do was not respond to his proposition and act as if nothing ever happened, saving us both the humiliation of the moment. Problem solved!
I was incredibly anxious the next morning about running into him again at work, so I began to practice how I will act as if nothing transpired the night before. And unluckily for me, it wasn’t too long after getting off the elevator that I passed him in the hallway where I gave him a quick, overcompensating “Good Morning, Sir!” and beelined to my desk before any further conversation could ensue. And honestly, I remember sitting down at my desk naively thinking that in this interaction he got the message, and we could simply forget anything ever happened. For the next several days, each time we passed in the hallway or breakroom, he and I would exchange a quick greeting and quickly go back to our respective workspaces. No further dialogue, no awkwardness, and no stopping by the cubicle at night. It was confirmation to me that he got the message. Crisis averted!
That lasted all about a week.
One night while I was working late on a project, I could hear the creaking of his footsteps on the carpet approaching my cubicle, and my heart began to race because I knew it was him. When he popped up in my cubicle, I gave him my usual “Hello, Sir!” and continued furiously typing on my computer to give the impression that I was too busy to speak. He asked me if I was working late. Thinking that his question was leading to another proposition I quickly said, “Actually, I’m just leaving now as I have somewhere to be,” while furiously packing up my belongings to beeline out of his strange gaze. I had about an hour’s worth of work left but I wanted to avoid conversation with him. I then realized that this was a terrible strategy because it prompted him to say he was leaving as well and that he would walk me to the elevator. My heart sank, but I obliged. And upon us waiting for the elevator to arrive, he made his intentions clearer. He reminded me that he was waiting on my answer to his proposition and that he found me very desirable and wanted to take me to dinner one night. Because I was so stunned at the levels of audacious inappropriateness, all I could muster up was that I was rushing to catch my train because I had somewhere to be.
At this point, I realized that the “ignoring it” method was not going to work and that he wasn’t taking the hint. But I was also anxious that this person was the head of the company who writes my checks, and I was certain that if I did not give in to his proposition, I could potentially be jeopardizing my own job. For the next several days I was vacillating between what the next course of action should be. I actually really liked this company, and I liked the position. I was also new on the job, but I believed that I deserved to be there as I was hired fair and square. I sought the advice of my parents who were immediately horrified and inquired if they should “step in” to handle the situation for me. Although it was very tempting, I didn’t quite want that solution either. I even at one point considered resigning, although I had just started this position.
Unfortunately for the time being, I decided to do what most people do in these situations and that is to “grin and bear it” while I figured out what I ultimately wanted to do. And as a shock to no one, progressively things got worse.
On one occasion as I was talking to another female colleague in the office, he walked up and put his arm around her waist and said “Is she one of your friends?” I was confused by the question and their interaction as I was watching them exchange flirtatious banter. She responded with “no, no she is not one of my girls,” with an impish grin. It would be years later that I found out that she was one of the women he was having an affair with in the office who also on occasion, supplied him with more female friends that he could enjoy. Yes- you read that correctly. However, if it is any consolation while you are reading this, it was the relationship with this particular female coworker that sparked the investigation which ultimately led to his removal. But I digress.
In another encounter with the CEO, I was waiting alone for the elevator and like clockwork, he walked up next to me waiting as well. He turned to me with slight aggravation and impatience to remind me that he was still waiting on my response. So I tried to play dumb and responded with an innocent “Forgive me Sir, you are waiting on my response for what?” Thinking he would back off, he said in a more sinister tone, “You know what,” and walked away. It was in this encounter that I started to feel a little afraid. But it would be an interaction in a coffee shop that became my final straw and where I decided that I would need to take some sort of action. The action I decided upon would be to firmly, but politely decline the proposition.
I was walking into the coffee shop near the office to grab some lunch one day, when standing at the counter paying for their food was the CEO with his wife and young daughter. The image of him playing the doting husband and father made me sick to my stomach. He greeted me and introduced me to his family, giving me a slight glimmer of hope that he might come to his senses and realize the level of inappropriateness in his behavior now that I have stood face-to-face with his own wife and daughter. As they were leaving, I made my way to the farthest end of the shop to look at the fresh pastries. As my back was turned, he came up from behind me so unexpectedly that I actually jumped when I heard his voice. I looked around quickly for his wife and daughter who were nowhere in sight. In a tone that I can only describe as chilling, he said “This doesn’t change anything, I am hoping to have your answer soon about dinner,” and walks out of the shop. This I took as a clear threat. He was directly letting me know that I had no other options but the one he believes that I owed to him, and that was to render a response to this obscene proposition. But instead of feeling fear this time, all I felt was rage. This was textbook sexual harassment.
I didn’t owe him any response. I was clear in my avoidance and in my silence that I was not interested in a relationship of any kind with this married CEO. But since I was filled with resentment and rage, I figured that if he wanted a response- I was going to give him one. The next time he demanded an answer, I would firmly decline in the hopes that we could put an end to this horror.
And like clockwork, an opportunity presented itself. I was on my way to grab lunch at a nearby restaurant, and on this particular day it was crowded with people from nearby offices. And unfortunately, the moment I walked through the door I spotted him waiting in line to order his lunch. He said his normal “Hello!”. I said my normal “Hello, Sir!” By the time I grabbed my food, he had already left the restaurant with his and I was really happy to be avoiding any further interactions. So I thought. But when I got back to my building my heart sank when I saw him waiting at the elevators to go upstairs. After we were standing in silence for a couple of seconds, he turns to me and asks point blank why I had not responded to his request to have dinner. I said acidly “Because I do not want to,” and I proceeded to remind him of the office rules against fraternization since he was continually disregarding the very rule that he put in place.
At this time, a handful of people were now also waiting for the elevator which was taking longer than usual to arrive. Noticing the crowd, he firmly grabbed me by the wrist ordering me to “Come over here,” while simultaneously pulling me around the corner where we were out of view.
I will not go into further detail as to what transpired when he pulled me around the corner. I can say though that I was not harmed as I managed to get away. But more disturbing than the act, was the words that he left me with before I managed to get away. In response to my reminding him of the fraternization rule which clearly elevated his ire, he essentially let me know that I did not have to be afraid of seeing him outside of work because “no one can tell him what to do in this office,” and even though he knows that gossip was circulating around the office about him, he could protect me from any consequences and scrutiny. He took out a business card with his cell phone number written on it and shoved it into my hand before I managed to break away.
I cannot fully describe the range of emotions that I felt that day, and in the following days after the incident. The whole experience was numbing, and the physical encounter left me emotionally shaken at the audacity and level of aggression that this leader had shown. I reflected at the time about the Slave Owner-Enslaved dynamic. Although the CEO and I are both people of color, I thought a lot about what the dynamic must have been like between the Slave Owner and particularly, the female enslaved. I reflected on the unimaginable violence committed against them because the Slave Owner did not see them as human and thus, there were no laws that could protect them. Which in reality meant that as consent was not an option for them, brutality was always a constant. The Slave Owner-Enslaved dynamic is a dynamic in which a person in a position of authority does not see another vulnerable person as human and as a result, does not care for or seek the consent of that person in whatever is decided for their lives. I realized in these encounters with the CEO, it did not matter what I wanted. I did not have the option to ignore the request- he believed I owed him a response. I did not have the option of stopping him from making that request- he was going to continue asking until he got what he believed I owed him. And if there were to be a decision, I did not have the option to decline.
It would be months later before I confessed to another male leader in the office what had transpired that day and why I detested this CEO. His response was indicative of the culture of violence that this particular office had cultivated throughout the years, and where our nation was before the #MeToo Movement gained its prominence in 2017. He listened horrified by the story but replied with “Honestly I’m not surprised at all. I would be more surprised if he didn’t hit on you.” His dismissive response would be the first time that I learned that other women in the office were experiencing the same treatment from the CEO, and that everyone knew it was happening though no one discussed it. It also was extremely disheartening to me because without knowing that there was already an investigation underway at the time, it made me fully resign myself that I was merely a number in a long line of victims, and he was clearly going to get away with it being that he sat in the ultimate seat of power in the office.
That is why people all over this nation say #MeToo. Because although we have seen handfuls of stories from brave people finally having a voice that has resulted in change, there are thousands of people like me who haven’t and probably never will. It means that if justice is not an option, you can at least have the power in knowing you are not alone. And for me, there is healing in that. Truth, reconciliation, and healing have all been the recipe for creating momentous change surrounding sexual harassment and workplace violence.
The office that the CEO oversaw created the culture of permissibility that allowed for a person in a position of power to abuse the role by abusing others. As it turned out though, an investigation that began long before I started the role had finally ended. About six months after the physical encounter I had with him at the elevators, the CEO mysteriously disappeared. No one said a word. When I realized that a couple of months went by and that he could not possibly be on a vacation this long, I asked the office gossip (yes, there is always one in every office) who told me about the investigation and his removal. I felt a mixture of shock and elation. I never had to come forward. All of the other “Me’s” did, long before I started working there. I didn’t even know who the “Me’s” were. They do not know about me. But because of their bravery, they got justice for all of us in that office.
I would love to say that there was some fairytale ending where my office learned the error of their ways in creating a culture of violence and that the staff were no longer subjected to incidences and interactions that were harmful. Far from it. The investigation removed the CEO. It never addressed all of the other incidences of sexual harassment from different staff members that came before or after it. There was no overall restructuring of the company or any discussions surrounding what had happened with the CEO, or what policy was put in place to prevent it from happening again. They simply removed the CEO in silence and replaced the seat. Justice to me looks like offices around the nation embracing the movement of #MeToo and working to create systems of equity and justice in the workplace. It was not enough for me to just see one CEO be removed, though that was a huge step in ending the harassment. To me, justice begins when we are able to prevent the harm from occurring in the first place.
#MeToo destroyed an important component in the perpetuation of sexual harassment and workplace violence. The idea of the “untouchable” leader. The CEO relayed to me what countless people in authority throughout history have relayed to those they believe are lower in hierarchy to them. That no one can tell them what to do because of the power of the seat that they hold. The #MeToo Movement directly destroyed the ability of a person to use their platform and position to shield them from accountability for the harmful actions that they have inflicted on others.
When I see a powerful “untouchable” leader with a history of rape and predatory behavior suffer the consequences once their victims come forward, I feel a twinge of justice for myself. Because I know that perhaps even if it is only in a small way, it can have a profound effect on making that workplace safer. It also places the victims on their road to healing.
Each time I begin a new job with a company and I sit through the mandatory onboarding courses that discuss the #MeToo Movement and that company’s sexual harassment and workplace violence policy, I feel a twinge of justice.
All over America, leaders are now on notice that no matter how important your role is to a company or constituency, if you engage in sexual harassment and workplace violence, there will be consequences. And although we have an extremely long way to go in the conversations surrounding sexual harassment and workplace safety, I know that at the very least if God forbid, I were to find myself in another encounter such as the one that I described, there will be a movement behind me fighting to make the workplace safer- even if I do not speak up.
